disappointed!!!

UGH! i dont even know how to explain the way i feel right now. lets see, yesterday.. i made a sign for my dad saying "DAD, we miss you! please come home" he came by this morning to pick up my sister. and he brought his sister along with him. so my brother and i got up at like 8am and got ready. we went to the front of our house around 845 because my dad was coming at like 9 to get arianna. so like the three of us were holding the sign when he pulled up to the driveway. and his reaction just fucking crushed me. he said hi guys, but he was still in the car. then his sister went out to get arianna, but she didnt want to go with her. so i went in, and i told my mom that dad was here, and that so was auntie leny. then i went back out and arianna started to tear up cause she didnt want to go with my dads sister. so like my dad came out of the car and like tried to call arianna to go him. but she didnt wanna go anymore. and its like he didnt even notice what i made for him. what we did for him. and that just fuckin hurt! i wanted to cry right there. but i couldnt. i had to hold it in. cause if my sister, arianna saw me, i know for a fact she would cry even more. so like my dad he came up to her and picked her up and she didnt wanna go and like my dad didnt even come up to me, or my brother and give us a hug or anything. to me its like wtf?! what happened to that promise that you said?! he promised that the issue that my mom and him are having is just between them two. and that it wont affect us. and that he'll always be there for us when we need him. and he'll always be our dad, and that he'll always love us like his own. no matter what. and its like he broke that promise. so that hurt me even more, so like as he left. i went in the house and my mom asked what happened. so i told her. nothing. and she said did you say hi? and i said yup. then she asked if he gave us a hug or anything and i said nope. and she asked if he noticed the sign, and i said i dont know. i dont think he cares. and i already felt the tears coming so i just went to my room and let it out. its really hard to just stop myself and to keep it in anymore. im just tired of keeping it in, and hiding it. i guess thats why yesterday, when i told donita what was going on and why i needed to make a sign, i couldnt help myself and i just burst out crying. but i swear, today! this morning! when i saw him and the way he didnt even look at me, or anything! or his reacton, i had to cry everything out. it hurt so much! im still hurt! this has got to be the longest time i've ever cried! no one knows how i feel so dont try and make me feel better by saying, i know how you feel. cause you probably have no idea about the way i feel. and by you saying, stop crying, or dont cry, tell me how can i?! you dont know how hard it is for me NOT to cry anymore. i've been keeping everything in and i've been hiding the way i've felt from everyone. and im fucking tired of this shit! i swear, martin i took your word.. so hopefully something good does happen after all of this. cause i dont like this feeling! it hurts too much! so like im in pcn right, and i kinda just wanted to do this to have my dad come and watch. but now i think that even if i invite him, i doubt that hes gonna go.. i'll invite him anyways, cause who knows. he might just go. but im scared that i might just get my hopes up for nothing. i dont know. i guess im just really upset right now. but im glad that i let everything out, especially since i did it in front of my mom. cause ive been hiding how i felt about this situation between her and my dad for a long time. and just letting it out and having her by my side, just felt... right.

im hungry D=

well im not really in the mood right now. i heard stuff from ashley about ----y, and i wish i never heard it. i wish that you never even said those words to me that day. if only i knew this was how it was gonna end.. then i shouldnt have let myself do this. i did this to myself. i didnt plan on it but it was my fault. i got carried away. and i really thought you meant it. i know whats going on and yeah, i feel bad too but do you really have to do this to me AGAIN. can't you just say it to me instead of ignoring me? well i dont know anymore. i shouldnt let this bring me down. just that day we hung out, those words, places we went, my feelings, i just didnt want it to end. everything that would happen, i didnt want it to end. because last time, it ended and i didnt want it to. i lost it and now that it came back, i didnt wanna lose another chance. but now i guess it has to end, right? but thanks anyways. that day might just be one of the best days i'll have this year. i don't think i'll ever forget it.

happy birthday jenny!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JENNY! <3 i looooove you jen-dawg(;
so today, a sexy six member(jenny nguyen) turned 16 ! so yesterday, the other 5 of us gave jenny a lil something! made her a poster.. and a card (= i thought it was cuute! she cried.. haha! so emotional! haha, well.. HAPPY SWEET 16 JENNY NGUYEN<3!


today, celebrated my half brothers birthday. he turned 4 on the 20th so we celebrated it today. went to this one place called bounce o rama at great mall. after, hung out with sheina. holy cow we told each other so much stories. hella needed to just catch up on things. haha! it was a fun day. then we went home, watched this one filipino love movie. IT WAS SOOOOO SAD, but hella GOOD! i loved it. its called, one true love. the main guy characters real name is hilarious to me, its dingdong dantes. HAHAH! mmk, all for now. laate.

fiiinals ):<

ugh, so many things going on right now. finals tomorrow! just came back to school today. too much things i missed. gotta raise up my grade for math -____-' i hate that subject! aye nako, i miss philippines. it was nice over there. i loved everything there. oh well, thats what friendster is for. to keep in touch with most of them there!(= i'd like to go back this summer, or christmas, or new year(; haha, you can pretty much tell that i had a blast over there. everything is so different, compared to the things here. there are times where i have to pause and think for words to come out in english and not tagalog. haha, i was used to speaking it there..

anyways, the first day was ok. 1st period was like heey(; haha. my teacher called me a brownie though -___-! i dont know, they said i got darker. i dont think so. i just gained weight though! hahah, its all good. im still less than 100 lbs. haha. im not saying that 100lbs is a lot or anything though. ahha! :X mkay, well gonna go study for tomorrow. OH jeez, pray that i'll be able to run 2.5 miles after 3 weeks of not being in shape and just eating! jeez, i had the biggest cramp today. from 2nd period all the way till i got home. )=< maaaan. tomorrows finals. start at 8-1230. mmkay, gonna go. peaaaace suckaaas(;

time here: 7:57pm // january 13, 2008
philippines: 11:57am//january 14, 2008

1 week left..

blaaaah, mmkay so i have 1 week left here in the philippines! sucks. so i've been to plenty of places. met sooooo much cousins. made friends. and im gonna miss them. A LOT! mmm, im gonna cry. i know it. well, im gonna add all of them on friendster and keep in touch. ahah! well, i still have hella homework. hopefully i can do it this week since my cousins will be at school till like 3? 4? idk. but yeahs. i'll do homework and study while they're in school. haha. i wonder if i still remember how to speak spanish. i think i may have forgotten some english. ahha. well i sound like a fob when i talk in english. X: oh wells. i hope i come back when it summer there in states. but it sucks cause summer in states is rainy seasons here. or thats what they said. mk, i gotta get ready to go back to my grandmas house back in manila. k goodnight.

in philippines.
time: 7:11 pm
date: january 4, 2009

in states.
time: 3:11 am
date: january 4, 2009